And all the other cliches
Goodbye, 2020. Can’t say that I’m sorry to see you go.
You were like the toxic relationship no one wanted.
The pimple that appeared in the middle or our collective foreheads that we couldn’t get rid of, no matter what method we chose.
A horrid case of BV.
A never-ending herpes flare-up.
Mega hemorrhoids, if you will.
There was a silver lining, as COVID prevented me from being homeless in a new city.
It also exposed the true arrogance and evil that people were easily seduced into.
And how insignificant all of us truly are in a country that’s run like a corporation.
I ended up having to return home because things imploded, and I could no longer keep trying and failing to get a secure grasp on the increasingly shifting sands of my life.
I know I shouldn’t feel like a failure, because that is a useless, poisonous thought process. I try not to wallow in grief, especially when I am fully aware of my role in all the bad that happened.
I learned a great deal about myself, probably more than I ever have before, and not all of the lessons made me comfortable. They aren’t supposed to. I try not to lie, especially to myself. That growth came with some catharsis and ugly but cleansing tears.
I know I need to do better. Be better.
First things first, unless I deem it so, no more transactional relationships without a great ROI.
Don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware that relationships are wholly transactional at their core. It’s common knowledge and practice to enter into them with that intention of making an investment (time, emotion, physical enjoyment, actual money) for a decent return (reciprocity, companionship, possible marriage – if that’s a goal). I often find myself giving more than receiving, and that will no longer be tolerated.
I’ve got some work to do to reestablish my life on the terms I deem suitable to survive, but, once I achieve some measure of success, only then will I even entertain the idea of a companion.
I’ve got too much shit to do.
Second, since I’ve already gotten started with my ultimate goals, I will start trimming the herd. There have already been casualties – my mother is the first. Not going to unpack that in this post, because I don’t want to lose my momentum.
Third, I need to make some changes in my diet. I already have a decent regiment of exercise, and I’m seeing amazing results, but I need to further change my habits of when and what I’m consuming. X out the some of the sugars (I love baked goods, and can eat an entire cake in one sitting), and no sodas. Increase my fruit intake outside of smoothies, too.
Lastly, and probably most importantly – stop effing procrastinating. I know I say this a lot, and I think I’ve made some excellent progress, but I find myself falling back into what’s comfortable (except this post was supposed to go out on the first of January!). Maybe it’s truly a safety deal after being so uncomfortable for so long. Maybe I need an excuse…who knows?
This year has already seen some chaos, which I will definitely be talking about in short order. On a personal note, I’m doing better than I was.
I just need to keep this pace and mindset moving forward, and try my hardest not to get mired in doubt or let depression win. It’s a seething, wicked bitch of a thing that takes pleasure in my misery and fragility.
Good luck to all of you this year. We really need it.
Happy reading!
Liz K
Disclaimer: The aforementioned maladies are used for comedic purposes only, and not as a way to make light of those who may suffer from them.
Classy With An E 